This Sunday I was struck by a concept that Pastor Gene brought up about church. Not so much a concept as a truth; That church is not a part of our journey; it IS the journey.

I’ve always believed that being a Christian is not a part of your life, but instead defines the whole of who you are. Even still, there was often a disconnect when it came to the concept of church. I knew it was essential, and I could tick off a list of reasons why you should go to church, but deep inside there was doubt. Not about Jesus or God, but about the church.

It turns out what I was missing is this: Church is not a service to help you with your individual walk with God. It is not a warehouse of Christian products and services. It is not a helpful thing for your personal life’s journey. Church IS the journey. Church is not a building or product… church is people. YOU are the church. WE are the church. We don’t have seperate church lives and regular lives. We each have one life, and it’s impossible to divide it. The truth I was missing is really so simple… Church is essential because we are all united by what we believe.

Somehow, through years of full-time ministry I was missing this key component. My words said otherwise, but in my heart I was looking at church as though it was a service or product, not a journey or movement. As you go to church this Easter remember this – church exists simply because we love and worship God, and we love and worship God because of Jesus.

In the past month I:

• Went to and completed Air Assault school.
• Lost my job because my orders ran out and were not renewed.
• Found out I was leaving for flight school in less than 3 weeks.
• Put our first house on the market.
• Signed a contract to sell our house less than 24hrs later.
• Began to PACK like crazy.
• Signed a lease for a house in Alabama.

A lot has happened in a very short amount of time, and I’m beginning to get a grasp on the concept of serving a God who is bigger than anything we can hope or imagine. The problem is, I am so prideful and selfish I can’t get over myself and just let go of my life. I look back and see the joy I used to have when I was following and serving God. I’m so envious of the life I used to lead… it was far from carefree, yet I lived it with complete abandon for God. I was willing to do almost anything he asked at any point. Now I find myself getting bitter and angry over stupid frustrations. I want to let it all go and get back to the simple joy of walking with God. It’s difficult for me to find joy in any of the blessings in my life because I am so distant from God. I haven’t worked out in almost a month, I’m not eating healthy foods, I’m snapping at my wife over little things, I can’t seem to force myself to sit down and read the Bible, and my prayer life is non-existent. Music doesn’t even impact me lately. Music was my life for years, now I haven’t even touched my guitar since last spring, and my favorite songs barely impact me anymore. I feel like I hit some sort of spiritual wall at the end of last year, and I’m still trying to pick up the pieces and put myself back together. I want to love God with all my heart, all my soul, and all my mind. I want to follow him. I want to serve him. I just can’t seem to bring myself to do it again, and I don’t really know why.

What I’m seeing lately is that God seems to be blessing me and my family simply because I am his child. I know that nothing I ever do or ever go through can change the fact that I’m God’s son because of Jesus Christ. I am utterly undeserving of any of God’s blessings no matter how good I am, yet even when I’m living so far from God, here they are… over and over again. A job at the right moment. A key contact to branch Aviation. A perfect, healthy, amazing son. Another job opportunity at the right moment. A spot in flight school. Selling our house in less than 24 hours in today’s market. All of this, not to mention having a wonderful wife, a great place to live, health, no debt, cars to drive, food in our pantry, and all of our needs taken care of… What have I done to deserve any of this? And still I’m not satisfied. I want more. This is where I begin to see God’s grace in action. I’ve never done anything to deserve this, even when I was a worship pastor. Living this past year far from God hasn’t changed the fact that I’m his child. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. This life isn’t mine at all. It all belongs to God. I’ve never deserved any of it. If I can wrap my brain around that concept it will change the way I live forever.

I need an awakening in me. Something has to change soon, I just hope it’s for the better. God, please don’t give up on me. I want to serve you again – please help me get back to you. From the inside out, Lord my soul cries out.

I started this post with the intention of writing about all the exciting things that have happened in the past month. Obviously all that needed to come out. I realize I’m being very transparent here, but I don’t care anymore. This is who I am – a man who is struggling to find his way back to God. I just hope that if anyone reads this that you can relate to what I’m going through, and hopefully, when all is said and done, this will help you get back to God too.

How do you love people? How do you love your enemies? How do you love the annoying, boring, needy?

You cant just view people as customers, co-workers, clients… you have to view them as people with needs. Are you being helpful to those around you?

- How do you treat people when you’re worn down and tired? Do you still have compassion when it’s not convenient?

- Assess the problem and current resources to match the problem. You need the right heart and the right process. Good intentions without a good plan will get you nowhere.

- Give what you have. Dont expect/wait for Jesus to multiply what you have BEFORE you give it… without a gift, there is nothing to bless.

- Are you still willing to give it all when there’s nothing left? (Physically, mentally, emotionally, monitarily) When you give when you have nothing left, God can take it and multiply it.

- Serve rather than complain. Give rather than take. Make a difference rather than waiting for things to change.

- God is not a God of enough… God is a God of MORE than enough.

You may not have noticed it by looking at me, but I’ve been going through a major spititual battle over the past several months. This has truly been one of the most trying times of my life, but I can tell it has the potential to be one of the most rewarding if I will just let God have his way. With that in mind, I’ve been making a concerted effort latley to seek out God amidst the turmoil. Since I was out of town visiting my parents this weekend, I “attended” church online at LifeChurch.tv (which is incredible by the way, and if you’re away from your regular church I highly recommend it). I can’t even begin to describe how the mind of God works to bring moments like this upon us, but I have no doubt in my mind I was supposed to hear the exact message Craig preached on Sunday.

“How To Drift From God” was a tongue in cheek, yet deadly serious message about the things we do to drift away from God – and it cut me to the core. As Craig put it, if you are far from God, God didn’t move…

My life was impacted and I was convicted, but what am I going to do about it now? I fear I will be like the seed in Jesus’ parable scattered on rocky soil or among the thorns, and either die off or get choked out before fulfilling God’s purpose for me… but my prayer is that the truth takes root in my heart again and that I will grow to follow God like I used to. I pray the Bible will be new and exciting again and that I am compelled to read it. I want prayer to be an essential part of my life, just as much as food and water. And I want to be willing to let go of “me”. I’ve learned over the past few months how selfish I really am, and I ask God not only to forgive me, but to use me how He sees fit (and I pray for the strength to say yes to whatever that is on a daily basis).

I need to simplify, unplug for a while, get away from things and seek God. I’ll ask anyone who reads this for your prayer, and I encourage you to seek God with me. Help me maintain accountabiliy for a few things I think I should be doing:

- Fast once a week until Oct 30
- Pray 30 min a day specifically for guidance and clarity
- Read at least the daily Bible reading from YouVersion.com and beging studying the bible again on my own.
- Post updates here with what God is teaching me and how I’m putting it into practice.

For now it’s time to get some sleep.

-Brian

Took a ride along in a Blackhawk Helicopter today – here’s a short video of one of our takeoffs: